For those who missed it, here is the column that ran in the GT on Saturday 26th January.
Apparently my ex husband and
I are a unique breed of people. We are constantly being told by people young
and old how amazing we are when it comes to how we raise our children.
I however find it sad that we
are unique and amazing, I wish whole heartedly that we were normal and not
viewed as another species.
The thing is when our
marriage broke down to the point of no return there was an enormous amount of
hurt, sadness, anger, guilt and blame and it was really, really hard for the
first 2 years feeling our way through. We all had to adjust to how this new
life was going to play out and how we would make it work.
There were times when I
thought maybe it was just all going to be too hard to play this very grown up
game for the sake of the children.
We did fall in love and marry
each other and vowed to live till death did us part which is why we also chose
to bring our 3 beautiful children into the world. I believe I speak for us both
when I say that the best thing we ever did was have our babies and the only way
they would be present in my life is because of their father. No matter how hard
it was for us to make US work we both refuse to let that be the cross our
children have to bear.
Yes we sit down with our
diaries and work out our weekends but it is very elastic. If something comes up
with work, family or friends we rejig and swap a night here for one there. Whatever
works. It would best be described as co parenting. We attend everything that is
important to the kids as a team whenever possible and we stand and sit
together. Why should my child have to look up and find parents in two separate
locations when they have done something they are proud of and/or want us to
see? We try and spend birthdays and other significant holidays and milestones
as a family. We have also tried to spend about 3 days away as a family each
year which is about our limit. We have however decided to take a family holiday
to Disneyland this year for 2 weeks as neither one of us want to miss sharing
that experience with the kids.
We consider ourselves normal
and most importantly our children see their family as normal. Sadly my parents
divorced when I was 15 and life was tough so I make sure that my kids will
never feel that way.
They normally see their Dad
at least every 2nd day and speak every day on the phone. We text
photos to each other of anything fun or important that we may be missing out on.
According to the Australian
Bureau of Statistics 50% of all marriage breakups include children under 18 and
25% of those children see the parent they don't live with less than once a year
or never. That is so terribly sad, kids need both parents unless of course they
would be in harms way. I would never advocate children being forced into a
dangerous situation.
I know a lot of people who
have seemingly normal ex partners, their marriages dissolved for the normal
list of reasons but they cant stand each other and don't seem to want to make
it work. I really don't get it. “ you lose 1 hour next weekend because you were
an hour late today”, “ No, Tommy can’t visit your sick mother this Saturday as
it is not your weekend” etc These
things make me terribly sad.
We have most certainly had to
learn to get where we are now and it took time and patience but it is so worth
it. It also makes it easier on our friends and extended family as we can both
be invited somewhere together without making others feel uncomfortable which
basically means life remains very normal for the kids.
I truly hope that in the
future we will still be able to sit together as the Mother and Father of the
Bride or Groom at all three of our children’s weddings. If we have new partners
I hope they will be sitting there also adding to the richness and diversity of
all our lives.
Yes we are doing it for the
children but it most certainly benefits us also to let go of what happened and
start a fresh new chapter.
